”BUENOS DIAS, Senor Lopez. I’m Brathwaite J. Brathwaite, your friendly recruiter for the Republican Party.”

”Nice looking sombrero you’re wearing, Mr. Brathwaite. Goes well with your necktie.”

”Thank you. As you may have read, we Republicans are waging an all-out statewide campaign to sign up you Latino voters by fulfilling your heartfelt needs. Have a burrito?”

”Thanks, no. I just finished a Thai takeout.”

”Yes, well, I’m here, Senor Lopez, to assure you that the major goal of the Grand Old Party is to advance the interests of you 2 million Latino voters.”

”That’s nice. Tell me, Mr. Brathwaite, is that why you’ve been working so hard to close the border?”

”Exactly. We want to protect you from hordes of illegal immigrants who would otherwise storm in here to take over your high-tech positions.”

”Yes, I’d hate to lose my job as a busboy down at Al’s All-Nite Diner.”

”What an opportunity you have for advancement, Senor Lopez! And you can count on the Republican Party to ensure that you Latinos enjoy complete equality in the employment marketplace.”

”Is that the reason you fought so hard for Proposition 209, banning affirmative action?”

”You bet! You can count on the GOP, Senor Lopez, to provide you with a level playing field. I’m confident you wouldn’t want to play soccer on anything else.”

”That’s certainly thoughtful of you. But I’m not quite sure how you benefited us Latinos by leading the fight for Proposition 187. You know, the one that cut off welfare and education for illegal immigrants,”

”To provide a better life for you, Senor Lopez. Thanks to the GOP, you can count on having a plethora of poor, uneducated workers all too willing to scrub your floors, pick your strawberries and park your cars for a pittance.”

”And as for us legal immigrants, you’re planning to eliminate bilingual education?”

”As soon as possible, Senor Lopez. We in the GOP are always thinking of what President Bush called your ‘little brown ones.’ We won’t rest until all you Latinos speak English as well as we do. Wouldn’t you like that?”

”Well, it might stop you Anglos from shouting at us when you ask directions.”

”Yes, and we in the GOP are always looking ahead, Senor Lopez. Seeing that you Latinos will form a majority of the state’s population in 20 years, we want to support you wholeheartedly in your quest for public office.”

”I thought you were backing that nut Bob Dornan in his fight to unseat Congresswoman Loretta Sanchez.”

”Well, yes, but she can certainly depend on us to help her find another job. But tell me, Senor Lopez, can we count on you to join the progressive, Latino-loving Republican Party?”

”Thanks, but I think I’ll join the search for the Tooth Fairy instead.”

”Rats. Well, as a dedicated Republican recruiter I suppose I should be moving on to my next challenging assignment. Tell me, Senor Lopez, do you know any black, Jewish lesbians?”

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